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Children Funny Jokes

Children Jokes

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Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?He was looking for Pooh!
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the thestranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heardthat flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with yourfellow passenger."Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and saidto the stranger "What would you like to discuss?""Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?""OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But letme ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eatgrass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cowturns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Whydo you suppose that is?""Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea.""Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified todiscuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blankfaces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for thepeople, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", saidMartinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history thanyou do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans.""Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to theteacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If yousay anything else, I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit toChandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."
A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about anurgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to theyoungster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?""Yes," whispered the small voice."May I talk with him?" the man asked.To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"Yes," came the answer."May I talk with her?"Again the small voice whispered, "No."Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left homealone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the personwho should be there watching over the child."Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child."Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the bossasked, "May I speak with the policeman?""No, he's busy," whispered the child."Busy doing what?" asked the boss."Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whisperedanswer.Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like ahelicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "Whatis that noise?""A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice."What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search teamjust landed the hello-copper."Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the bossasked, "What are they searching for?"Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffledgiggle, "Me."
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishesat the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had severalstrands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong andmake me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and thensaid, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brownhad kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother."It wasn't easy," admitted her daughter, "but three girls helped mecatch him.
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children whilethey were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she askedwhat the drawing was.The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girlreplied, "They will in a minute."
What's the best form of birth control after 50?Nudity
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birdsand the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, burstinginto tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."Confused, the father asked what was wrong."Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"
Little Johnny was sitting on the bench in the park.Suzie comes along chomping on her bubblegum. Suzie asked, "You wanna play doctor?" Johnny replied, "NO, that too old fashioned.Spit out you gum, I wanna play president."
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, brightas a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the conceptof marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"
Kid: Teacher can I go to the bathroom?Teacher: You have to say your ABC's firstKid: Ok,a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u, v,w.x.y, and zTeacher: Where's the p?Kid: It's running down my leg!!Sent by Jenna
A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.The teacher held up a picture of a cat."What animal is this?" she asked. "A cat!" said Eddie."Good job! Now, what is this animal?""A dog!" said Eddie."Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of aDeer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,"It's what your mom calls your dad.""A horny bastard," called out Eddie.
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing theletter "R," and all the other kids were, of course,teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gavehim a sentence to practice at home: "Robert gave Richarda rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare."In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy torecite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates -- many of themalready laughing at him -- then replied, "Bob gave Dicka poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."
Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying. "Why are you crying?" asked the other child. "I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger." When he heard this, the other child started to cry. "Why are you crying?" "I'm here for a urine test."

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