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Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme! Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates...INSTRUCTIONSAnaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forgetsome ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top ofyour list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.Statistically, among those women, there will be at least:* 0.5 Miss Worlds,* 2.5 supermodels,* 463 wild nymphos,* 3,234 good-looking nymphos,* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms,* and 40,198 bi-sexual women.In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, andtastier than the miserable old cow you posted off. And, best of all, youroriginal package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!!One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of hisfriends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he senther off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorialexpression on her face.On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with sincehe sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (towhom he had not sent the chain letter).While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me hasalready received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering fromexhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL!!!This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. Noexpensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that onlyinterest women) just so that you can bonk her.No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises likemarriage or engagement.Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.PS. - Even if you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they canprepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

THANK YOUThank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year!It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found outfrom you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting thearse out of 40-gallon drum.I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infectedwith a disease.I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped usingdeodorant because you said it causes cancer.I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes haveto walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone mightdrug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will askme to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill withcalls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they arenothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers thatare bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds and KFC can sell theirwares.I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I wouldget sick from the rat faeces and urine.When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody or talk to anybody- you said that someone would take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.However, the police are also after me at present because you said notto pull over, as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation ofthe $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when Iparticipated in their special e-mail program.It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, andneither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I ampositive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot tofollow and I got a curse.

An actual mailing:Greetings, You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS". As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation.

Dear Tech Support:Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that thenew program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operatedflawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled manyother valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirableprograms such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs andHouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3to fix these problems, but to no avail.--Desperate***************************************Dear Desperate,Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0is an operating system. Try to enter the command: "C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVEDME" and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run theapplications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can causeHusband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wavefiles.DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. Insummary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memoryand cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additionalsoftware to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 andLingerie 5.3.--Tech Support

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess with a computer?A: A computer that never goes down on you.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals

Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95.Isaac is incredulous. 'Pop,' he says, 'you can't run Windows 95 on yourold, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with aminimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95.'But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, 'Godwill provide the RAM, my son'.

We've all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriterswill eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks tothe internet, we know this is not true.

Q: Why did Marshall Applewhite insist that his follwers be castrated?A: He heard that to be really successful on the Internet you have to workwith UNIX.

I heard on the news last night that Bill Gates and his wife are expecting a baby in June.I'm betting the baby will be late.

The Y-Zero-K Problem Translated from a recently discovered Latin scroll dated 2BC Dear Cassius: Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us many headaches; there is not much time left. I don't know how citizens will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of this earlier and not left it to us to sort it out at the last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was working out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this, I suppose. The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert, and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It is an ill wind... . As for myself, I just cannot see how the sand in an hourglass will flow upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this acursed Y zero K problem. I will send you a parchment if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know, Plutonius Sent by Marina

Chain Letter Type IVAs if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of yourfriends.Friends- A friend is someone who is always at your side,- A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog,- A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,- A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,- A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life,- A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs, - Afriend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English no, sorry that's the cleaning lady,Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your room inyour sleep!!There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chainletters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity,send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, butotherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don'tcare. Thanks!Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it.TRASH IT!!! If it's a joke or something, send it, sure! Just don't forgetto delete the chain letter part. But if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e.Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of poop), just DELETE it.Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say NO!!! to BLOODY CHAIN LETTERS!!" Thank you.

Chain Letter Type IIIHi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This isabsolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not asmany little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Passthis on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible willhappen to you like:Queer Horror Story #1Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recentlyreceived this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in theside walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood ofpoop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty,she died. This Could Happen To You!!!Queer Horror Story #2Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, somepeople swing that way, especially at Oklahoma City University). They bothdied and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were bothcursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen ToYou!!!Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letterto all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on andthen he married his secret crush, they moved to the suburbs, had 2.3children and lived happily ever after.Right up until he started working late every night, started an affair withhis secretary and boozing. Then she started sleeping with the golf pro atthe local country club, became addicted to sleeping pills and their 2.3children got into gangs and drugs. Then everything went to hell, and theygot divorced. She got the house and the kids, and he got the car and childsupport payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment, lost his job and hiscar and now is working the midnight shift at the local McDonald's.

Chain Letter Type lI: Make a wish!!!(This is where you have to scroll down)Really, go on and make one wish!!!Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!!Wish something else!!!Not *that* either, you pervert!!Is your finger getting tired yet?You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!!Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty,here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certainnumber of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat andthen thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!Really!!! Here's how it goes.Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them astupid chain letter.Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending thema stupid chain letter.5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupidchain letter.10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them astupid chain letter.20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with youfor sending them a stupid chain letter.Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

There are four basic types of chain letters:~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Chain Letter Type IHello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starvinglittle boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who as no arms, no legs, no parents,and no pecker. This little boy's life could be saved, because for everytime you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Starving LeglessArmless Parentless Peckerless Little Boys from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent. So go on, reach out.Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if youaccidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and a madgoat will rape your dead body. Thanks again!!

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center andregistered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyedwater sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and wasvery small. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him apenguin.

If Wang made toasters...Marketing would never agree upon what customers really wantor need in a toaster so millions of dollars would be spentin development and the toaster would be several years late.Just after release Wang would buy another company whosetoaster ran on NT but would find that they got more ordersfor the original.

If Cray made toasters...They would cost $16 million but would be faster thanany other single-slice toaster in the world, at leastfor a couple of years.

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