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Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. Elbert Hubbard ElderlyElderly Funny JokesElderly Jokes | Home > Fun & Humor > Joke Subjects > Elderly
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An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a youngman in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space shewas waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up tothe man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man was a real smartaleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young andbright."Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car andbacked it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into hisMercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you dothat for?" The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"
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Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety." Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
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Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies.They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holdingher hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do notintend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowingup in this high wind?""Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat.""But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down,then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down thereis 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
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An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about20' behind her and asked "Can you hear me sweetheart"?. No reply. Moved to 10' and inquired again. No reply. 5' and not a word. A few inches behind ear, he asked "Can you hear me now honey"? His wife said "For the fourth time, yes."
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This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.His wife said, "Where are you going ?"He said, "I'm going to the doctor."And she said, "Why? Are you sick?""No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweaterand he said, "Where are you going?"She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."He said, "Why?"She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thingagain, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
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Willy's rolling down the hall of a retirement home actinglike he's driving a car, an orderly turns the corner andasks Willy what he's doing.Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him.He catchs Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing,Bob replies,"I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's awayin Chicago."
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A young boy was visiting his grandfather's farm whenone day he walks out behind the barn and sees hisgrandfather playing with himself.The boy says, "What are you doing grandpa, jacking off?"Grandpa replies, "No sonny, just jacking!"
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An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by anddeposits a poopy little present on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
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A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now."
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How do you get four old ladies to say the F word?Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!
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Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70.When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered, "Why should I be upset? Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive."
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Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said,"Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"
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Nancy & Betty, and Jim & Tom were in the old people's home. Nancy & Betty thought Jim & Tom weren't getting enough excitement so they decided to run naked past Jim & Tom's room. Later that night they did just that.Jim looked at Tom and said, "Did you see that? What in the hell were Nancy & Betty wearing?" "I don't know, but whatever it was, it sure needed ironing."
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An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30, and would he have any suggestions."Yes," says the Doctor, "I would advise you to take in a boarder."A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is going. He says fine his wife is pregnant.The Doctor remarks: "so you took my advise and took in a boarder?""Yes I did, is the reply, and she's pregnant also....."
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An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into thenurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to playalong with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing homewith his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said,"Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died"."It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"
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An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?""Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep."That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
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"Dear Reyer School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, so naturally I told her to go fuck herself. Sincerely, Edna Johnston"
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