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Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. Elbert Hubbard LegalLegal Funny JokesLegal Jokes | Home > Fun & Humor > Joke Subjects > Legal
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Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren'tprepared for the answer:In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called hisfirst witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. Heapproached her and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?" Sheresponded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you sinceyou were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointmentto me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talkabout them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when youhaven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything morethan a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed acrossthe room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"She replied, "Why yes, I do. I 've known Mr. Bradley since he was ayoungster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. Hecan't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice isone of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated onhis wife with three different women, one of whom was your wife. Yes, Iknow him." The defense attorney almost died.The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a veryquiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
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Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin." "Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?The bucket.
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?Professional courtesy.
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Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?The cats keep covering them up with sand!
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A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle, but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. The lawyer picks up the note. "Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leavingmy name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."
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The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking:Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") ageneral lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but notlimited to, a mouse.A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixedby and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief thatSt. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus")would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. thechildren, of the aforementioned House were located in their individualbeds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, whereinvision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies,nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in saiddreams.Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred toas "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the partsof the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired fora sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad invarious forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon theunimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. thelawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in theHouse to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, theparty of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/ordisbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulledand/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8)reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, thepreviously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8)reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name:Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen(hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is furtherasserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have beeninvolved.)The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deerintentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of severalresidences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, andnoted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and otheritems of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation orpermission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House,and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in ared fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney,and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementionedpackages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared tobe tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances andhealth regulations.Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of theminor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and othersmall gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to saidminor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Uponcompletion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew,rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where theVehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediatelydeparted for an unknown destination.However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from saidHouse, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
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What do you call an honest lawyer?An oxymoron.
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What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?Perfect setup for skeet shooting.
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A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates. "Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
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A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlightsbroken and considerable damage. There's no sign of theoffending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's anote stuck under the windshield wiper."Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who sawthe accident are nodding and smiling at me because they thinkI'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."
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Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
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Do you know the problem with lawyer jokes?Lawyers don't think they're funny, and the rest of us don'tthink they're jokes!
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Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead."Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."
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At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?How many can you afford?
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A person is in the hospital and asked his doctor how much time does he have left to live. The doctor did not want to lie so he told him that he wouldn't make it through the night. So the person calls for his lawyer and asks him to come and sit by his bed. Right before the person dies, the lawyer asks him why did he want him next to him. The dying person replied, "When Jesus died, he had a thief next to him and I want to go the same way."
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