Marriage Jokes Free Jokes Marriage Jokes Funny Jokes

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|Married life is full of excitement and frustration:* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

|Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":* The Engagement Ring* The Wedding Ring* The Suffe-Ring* The Endu-Ring

|There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce FriedmanA coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin KitmanA gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland

|A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. -- GuitryAh Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- BorgeAlways talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha ChristieAnd I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- SocratesCorrection: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.

|Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. -- Catch-22Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken DoddHusband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

|I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick MartinI do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. -- TynanI think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? -- Phyllis DillerI've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- ChekhovIf you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner

|If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. -- Rich LittleJoint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar WildeLosing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.Man and wife make one fool.

|Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass DaleyMarriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.Marriage is a rest period between romances.Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

|Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly

|Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.May you never leave your marriage alive.May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. --H.L. MenckenMy darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

|This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho MarxWe must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. -- H.L. MenckenWhat's new? Most of my wife.When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -- GuitryWhen marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

|The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. -- Groucho MarxThe marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. --Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. -- S. T. ColeridgeThe only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. -- James Holt McGavranTo keep your marriage brimmingWith love in the marriage cup,Whenever you're wrong, admit it,Whenever you're right, shut up. -- Nash

|My other wife is beautiful.My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. -- PJ O'RourkeNo man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. -- Honore de BalzacNothing says loving like marrying your cousin! -- Al BundyI had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

|All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

|A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

|The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting.It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage.The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.

|If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

|My Dearest Susan,Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.Yours always and truly,JohnP.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

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