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Be able to be alone. Lose not the advantage of solitude, and the society of thyself. Sir Thomas Browne ReligionReligion Funny JokesReligion Jokes | Home > Fun & Humor > Joke Subjects > Religion
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Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle anda banner that said 'N I L'. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymnsto The Great Nullity ,The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero inthe Sky. Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and wispered,.... ...... "Is Nothing Sacred?"
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Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him. "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said. "You mean the aisle," Charlie said. "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. "Pew," Charlie retorted. "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."
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At the first session of a conversion class theminister conducting the class asked, "What mustwe do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?" After a long silence, one of the men in attendanceraised his hand and said: "Sin?"
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Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper. "Gladly," responded the good man. When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."
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"How can I believe in God when just last week I gotmy tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?" by Woody Allen.
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What do you call a man that marries another man?A minister
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There are three truths in life:1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah....2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.....3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
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One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf.But he couldn't, since it was Sunday. But hefigured, well, it's ok if i just play a little bit.So he changed clothes and went out into the green.Up in heaven an angel saw him and reported it toJesus. However, Jesus didn't do anything when hetold him. "Aren't you going to punish him?" he asked Jesus. "Yes, just wait." he replied.Just then the pope hit a beautiful hole in one."Well, that's not a punishment!" the angel said in disgust."Who is he going to tell?"
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A minister was asked by a politician,"Name something the government can do to help the church."The minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."
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What language do the Vatican Police speak?Pig Latin!
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Two nuns turn up at the fruit market and ask the veggie man for 120 cucumbers. The guy advises: "Sisters, if you buy 3 crates, that's 150, you'll get a 25% discount !" The nuns look at each other, and after a prolonged period of thinking one whispers to the other:"We could eat the 30, I suppose."
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What is the meaning of life?All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
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Is there a God?A billion Hindus can't be wrong.
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The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walkinground his new parish, after leaving his wife in bedwith the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack ofcigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said."Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?" The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, thewife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking." The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"
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What do you get when you cross a Jehova's Witnesswith a Hell's Angels motorcycle gang member????Someone who comes to your door and tells *you* to fuck off!
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Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day.They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said thatthey were 4 for a dollar. The nuns said okay.The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers whenthere were only three of them.A nun answered back, "Well, we could alway eat one."
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This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he wouldspend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house,he was told that the only way he could play today was if hewas willing to play along with three nuns. He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first holehe said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker."Goddammit!" he said."Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of languagearound us." said the nun. "I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again." The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twentyyards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them. "Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun. "Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man. "Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree."
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This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive mefor I have sinned."The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?""I lusted," the fellow replied."Tell me about it," the priest said.The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliverymanfor UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluentsection of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened andthere stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Shehad long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressedin a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And,she asked if I would like to come in.""And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest."Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how Ilusted," replied the man."Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will getyour reward in heaven, my son.""A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?"the fellow asked.The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate,you jackass."
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