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Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying, she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."So that's what Joe did.The next day at the bar, his buddy said, "Well, did you take my suggestion?""Yes, I did," said Joe."Did she like it?" His buddy asked."Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!"

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A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish." Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,", know how to make them truly happy."The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

Why did God create men first? Because we learn from mistakes.

I finally found a woman like my mom. This woman:Acts like her! Looks like her! Smells like her!So i took her home my father doesn't like her!?!!

10 things men know about women:-------------------------------1:2:3:4:5:6:7:8:9:10: They have tits

Why did the women cross the road?Well thats not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!

Why are women such bad drivers?Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.

10) Cats' facial expressions.9) The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.8) Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.7) ?Fat? clothes.6) Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.5) The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.4) Cutting your bangs to make them grow.3) Eyelash curlers.2) The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.1) Other women.

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" "I mean her legs!"

THE DOCTOR because he says "Take your clothes off."THE DENTIST because he says "Open wide."THE HAIR DRESSER because he says "Do you want them teased or blown?"THE MILKMAN because he says "Do you want it in the back or in the front?"THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says "Once it's in you'll love it."THE BANKER because he says "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived, and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzipps her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turns around furiously and says, ?How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!? Shocked, the man says, ?Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.?

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."Immediately, the husband drove downtown to accuse the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is till ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, I finally got back to answer it."The pharmacist continues, "It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!!!"

There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face. He just looks at her and says, ''You don't scare me I am married to your sister!'''

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."The woman did as she was told."Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again,The woman did as she was instructed.Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did..Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass.

3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest. The next day the women all got together. The first woman said, "I drove my car into a ditch."The second woman said, "I blew chunks."The third woman said, "I burned down my house." After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, "I guess I won," and the second woman said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."

Marriage was invented because it's only so much fun to cheat at cards.

Why do you call a womens monthly pain a period?Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.

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