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Be able to be alone. Lose not the advantage of solitude, and the society of thyself. Sir Thomas Browne WomenWomen Funny JokesWomen Jokes | Home > Fun & Humor > Joke Subjects > Women
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Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing newDrive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cashwithout leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilisethis facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored tobest reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:1. Drive up to the ATM2. Open the car window3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt6. Close window7. Drive awayPROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:1. Drive up to the ATM2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM3. Re-start stalled engine4. Open the car window5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card6. Turn radio down7. Attempt to insert card into ATM8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance between car and ATM9. Insert card10. Re-insert card the right way up11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"13. Enter PIN14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and press "enter"17. Retrieve cash and receipt18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside19. Place receipt in back of cheque book20. Re-check make-up21. Drive forward two metres22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind23. Retrieve card24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot25. Drive two or three kilometres26. Release hand brake
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What's the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?A woman who won't do what she's told.
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There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.The headquarters in the US calls:"Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions."He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releasesthe oxygen.A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey #2, Monkey #2report to coms for instructions." He sits down and he is told to addCarbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, woman please report to coms for instructions." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says..... "I know, I know!! Feedthe monkeys, and don't touch a damn thing."
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A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was in her cabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by sea sickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor and headed for the bathroom. It was not until she collided with an elderly gentleman that she realized she didn't have a stitch of clothing on.Horrified, she let out a shriek.Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly. "Don't let it bother you,miss," he moaned. "I'll never live to tell anyone."
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What's the difference between women and men?One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.
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The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's LifeThe Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes." The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide." The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?" The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?" The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!" The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!" The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
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What are the three fastest means of communication?Internet Telephone Telawoman!
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The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life scienceclassroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The questiondirected: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? Hesighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping forthe best:1. No need to boil.2. Cats can't steal it.3. Available whenever necessary.So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled,then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen,and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:4. Available in attractive containers.
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At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep itforever."
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One of the life's mysteries is how a two-poundbox of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
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At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
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What is the meaning of "sanctity"?It's french, for a lady with five breasts.Sent by Darrell
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What's the difference between men and women?Women must play hard to get; men must get hard to play!
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What's long and hard and excites a girl whenshe's finally lucky enough to get on it?The road to success!
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What would you call a virgin on a water bed?A cherry float!
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Why didnt NASA send a woman to the moon yet?Because it does not need to be cleaned!
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Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
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What's the difference between a barmaid inthe evening and a barmaid at night?A barmaid in the evening is fair and buxom.A barmaid at night is bare and ....Sent by Jennifer
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